It Doesn't Hurt That Much
by pellyeve93
Summary: Sanae commits suicide and a certain red-white miko blames herself. Onesided Sanae x Reimu. T for suicide.


It's strange if you think about it – every year you pass the date of your own death and you don't know it.

Unless you choose that day yourself.

And that's exactly what Sanae did.

Nobody quite knew why Sanae did what she did. She had always been a happy girl who didn't seem like the kind to commit suicide. Of course, everyone blamed themselves for it after it happened, as most normally do, even though it was her own choice. No one held a knife to her throat and forced her to do it.

But perhaps she took that blade to her wrist because she was in love.

Because she fell in love with Reimu Hakurei.

Love is never easy though. Even an emotion associated with happiness and warmth can bring about the most immense depression imaginable.

At first it had started off as simple admiration. Sanae wanted to be like Reimu, have the same skill and power as her, _be _her. But as time went on, she no longer wanted to be like Reimu. She wanted to be _with _her. Sanae kept her love a secret for months and months, too shy to tell anyone how she really felt.

But soon enough she managed to pluck up the courage to confess (with some coaxing from Kanako and Suwako) and happily made her way to the Hakurei Shrine to finally tell Reimu how she felt.

The thought of rejection.

The thought of hearing those awful words.

It never crossed her mind.

Not in her perfect world.

Maybe that's why it hurt so much.

Having to hear that painful phrase.

"_Y-you're a really nice girl but we should...__** j-just be friends**__, Sanae."_

The moment those words left Reimu's mouth, Sanae felt her heart being ripped to shreds and her eyes fill up with hot tears that she only barely managed to hold back. The already somewhat cold night air became ten times colder.

"_I... I understand. Sorry for bothering you."_

The pain of rejection did something to her. All the sadness and depression that had been locked away inside her, hidden behind a thin mask of false happiness that could have been easily broken by the littlest thing, was released. She turned around and ran, ignoring the sound of Reimu's voice calling her back. The tears came streaming down her face, staining her cheeks, a visible symbol of the unsettling sorrow that suddenly filled her entire body.

After all those years of hiding behind a happy face, ignoring the rumours about "the weird human girl" that had been spread, pretending there was nothing wrong, being rejected broke the façade. Sanae spent most of the trek up Youkai Mountain blaming Reimu for making her feel so hurt, making her cry, but soon enough that little voice's insults were directed at her, convincing her that Reimu rejected her because she wasn't good enough. Because she was annoying. Because she was everything those "rumours" said she was.

The voice just wouldn't stop. It wouldn't shut up. It kept going, making her feel more and more miserable with each word.

The moment she reached the Moriya Shrine, Sanae put on her best fake smiley face and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. As she made her way into the shrine, she waved happily at Kanako and Suwako, saying good evening to them in a voice that was more high pitched than usual and pretending that everything with Reimu went "just fine", before quickly making her way to her bedroom and locking the door behind her.

That voice in her head still menacingly hissed sickening insults, its words becoming more and more aggressive. Throwing herself roughly against a wall, Sanae covered her ears, pleading for the voice to go away under her breath as she desperately tried to keep her uncontrollable sobs quiet.

'_No one loves you.'_

_'You're useless.'_

_'Everyone hates you.'_

_'You're so annoying.'_

Each abusive sentence made it feel like a dagger was being driven through her already broken heart.

Sanae couldn't understand why this was happening. She was a strong person, she should have been able to handle rejection, she should have been able to keep her calm and happy mask on.

Why couldn't she?

Reimu wasn't that important to her...

The voice persisted, its words becoming violent.

'_Kill yourself.'_

Sanae tried to block it out, humming a manic, distorted tune as she rocked back and forth. But it kept going, its pleas for her to take her own life beginning to sound like the whispers of a seductive lover, sound so wrong but so right. She didn't want to listen, she just wanted it to go away, but she couldn't make it stop. The words _useless, annoying, hate, loner _were still being tossed around, forcing the girl to listen to that now lustful voice begging her to kill herself in order to blot out the mocking insults.

_'Do it.'_

_'No one will care, pplleeaaasee do it.'_

_'Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, DO IT PLEASE.'_

That did it. If she wanted the voices to stop, to shut up and leave her alone there was only one way to do it.

Sanae's hands desperately fumbled through a box of odds and ends, the voice now becoming multiple mocking shrieks that grew louder and louder, screaming at her to hurry up and filling her head with vulgarities.

_Found it. _

Grabbing the sharp letter opener in one trembling hand, Sanae once again propped herself up against the wall and ripped of one of her sleeves.

This was it.

_Slice._

She dragged the sharp edge of the blade across the pale flesh of her wrist, tearing a large gash in the skin, staining her skirt with crimson red blood. The voices didn't quieten down, instead they cried out louder, urging her to cut deeper. She kept going, with each slice making a deeper wound on her wrist, leaving her lying in a river of her own blood, tears and sadness.

It should have hurt.

But it didn't.

The sadness numbed the sting that each cut should have caused; her quiet sobbing stopped the gasps or yelps of pain.

'_I can't feel anything any more._'

With one final, forceful stab at her wrist, Sanae felt herself grow weak as she watched the blood pour out at a much faster pace. Her vision went blurry, it was hard to keep her eyes open now. There was a sudden ringing in her ears that replaced the voices from earlier. She dropped the letter opener, to weak to hold it now, as the world around her began to slowly fade to black.

* * *

Reimu sat on the steps of the Hakurei Shrine, quietly crying to herself. It had been three weeks since Sanae killed herself. No one had told Reimu exactly what happened yet.

They didn't really have the chance.

The moment she heard those words, the moment she knew that Sanae had taken her own life, she nearly screamed. She bawled her eyes out, not even wanting to know what happened.

But Reimu wasn't crying because one of her friends was gone.

She was crying because she knew it was her fault.

Of course, everyone else assured her it wasn't her fault at all for the first week or so. For some reason, she was the one people were feeling sorry for. Yukari did try to annoy her and was instead understanding and gentle. Even Marisa, who normally would have told her to "man up" was nice to her. Her friends, who she had been convinced at one point didn't care about her, were being so kind to her and trying to help.

Reimu didn't know why though. She brushed them off and didn't listen, insisting that it was all her fault no matter how much her friends tried to convince her it wasn't. Soon enough even they got tired of her constant brooding and gave up trying to help. Even Suika, who basically lived at the shrine, went off somewhere else, claiming that Reimu was "no fun any more." Yukari still came to visit her but she'd just sigh sadly and shake her head when Reimu broke down in tears.

'_What makes them think I can just get over this?_'

She couldn't forget about it.

She couldn't get over it or move on.

Because it was her fault.

Reimu broke Sanae's heart. She made her feel depressed. She made her feel so depressed that Sanae ended up killing herself.

It was all Reimu's fault.

Thoughts of suicide had crossed her own mind over the last few days. She wouldn't do it though. Because she knew what it would be like for everyone else around her.

Suicide wouldn't stop the _her_ feeling self-blame and the self-hatred.

It wouldn't stop_ her _feeling the pain of it all.

Suicide would just give it all to someone else.

* * *

(A/N:) I just needed to do this. It really helped. I hope you enjoyed reading it.


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